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Misty's Dream Journal's Journal

Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

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  2001.04.18  08.48


Last night I dreamt about having my third child, a very adorable baby girl. I don't remember many details about this dream, but I do remember that her crib was in my basement, and I put her down to sleep and somehow forgot about her. For days and days she apparently slept down in that dank, dirty basement and I somehow never once remembered to go down to change her diaper, or feed the poor babe.

All of a sudden I remembered that I had the baby down there, I ran downstairs, only to find her lying in an incredibly soiled crib, stone dead. I was horrified. (I really do love babies very much and I would NEVER actually do this in real life). I sobbed and cried, and somehow the baby magically came to life again.

I picked her up and brought her upstairs. I gave her a nice bath, cleaned her up, put nice fresh clean clothes on her, fed her and held her dearly. I could not let go of this poor baby. I was completely horrified with myself that I had actually starved her to death.

That is about all I remember from this particular dream, but I will bet it has something to do with 'neglecting my own inner child' or something to that effect. What do you think?



Mood: shocked
 
 


 
  2001.04.18  08.36
I had this dream on Sunday April 15th, 2001

I just woke up from the strangest dream.

I dreamt I was sitting beside an old man on a bench. His age was showing rather blatantly, and I could tell that he hadn?t much life left to live. I smiled at him and he began to speak. ?I once had a girl when I was young, she was beautiful, almost as beautiful as you.? he said in a charming way, his eyes smiling, and ?Her name was Annie. Boy did I love that girl so ??

?She must have made you very happy,? I commented, trying to return the warmest smile that I possibly could, ?was she your wife??

?No, we never made it down that aisle, I sure wish we did. She was the love of my life.? He said, tears welling up at the corners of the soft thin skin around his eyes. He told me the most sorrowful tale about how he?d allowed his intense love for money and power let his beautiful Annie slip away, believing that he really did not love her. As he spoke, he reached for my hand and squeezed it tightly. I didn?t mind. His face was so full of grief, as he told me about how he had tried to win her back, and of course she wanted to believe that he really did love her, so she came back to him. His face beamed with happiness as if he were reliving the moment that she returned all over again in his mind. But soon after, his tale unfolded the story of a foolish young boy, who only allowed himself to fall back to his greedy and seemingly uncaring ways once again. She left again, but this time with more grief and heartache than the old man could bear. He pulled me close into his embrace and began sobbing madly. I put my arms around him and tried to be as strong as I could for him.

?She was the love of my life,? he said, and his heart pumped weakly once, seeming to punctuate the sentence. I noticed his raspy breath and pained movements. ?She never returned to me,? he continued, ?and I stubbornly lived out the rest of my life alone, never attempting to change or to get her back.? His heart beat once more and I was startled because it seemed to have been quite some time since his last beat. Quietly, I began to sob in the arms of the strange old man, feeling the anguish he had felt for myself. His brittle arms gripped me tightly and he cried all that his strength would give. I looked down at his long thin legs with bony knees. He was so fragile and vulnerable. ?I never loved again.? He claimed in a deep, wavering voice. I couldn?t answer the old man, I wasn?t sure what to say. I just held him close and tried to croon him into letting it all out. He cried with such force that it seemed to take every ounce of his energy left just to remain sitting upright. I stroked his thinned hair and rocked back and forth. Soon, he began to keel over front wards with what I thought to be exhaustion. In a small and raspy voice, he breathed, ?I love you, Annie ? ? as he leaned forward and went still. He wasn?t crying anymore. Everything was silent. The man had died, I realized in horror. I silently wept for the nameless old man that had lost his one chance at true love to foolishness.

When I woke up, my face was soaked with tears. Sometimes dreams that I have are so strong emotionally that I cry while I sleep.

 
 


 
  2001.04.18  08.11
Changes!

I'm now renovating this journal into my dream recordings. If you would like to view my regular journal, you can locate it at: http://www.mistdragon.livejournal.com


:D



Music: The Tea Party - Midsummer Day
 
 


 
  2001.02.20  11.37


From Name St USA and
Garstini's Journal

June


(Latin)


~ meaning ~
Born in June
(Yup)

~ motivation ~
Aspired by success
(Sometimes)

~ character ~
Is understanding at all times
(As best as I can)

~ feelings ~
Does not like conflict
(100% true)

~ intelligence ~
Open to suggestion
(TOO much)

~ spiritual ~
Is on the right path
(Good. I like my path)

~ nature ~
Is always jovial
(Not too accurate there)

~ inherent ~
A natural and unaffected person
(Possibly? But I don't see it)


Hmm ... eerie ...



Mood: accomplished
Music: Silverchair's Ana's Song in my head ...
 
 


 
  2001.02.19  09.35
*warms smiles all around*

*yawn*
I am so tired today. I just feel like crawling back into bed (if I were at home) and just snoozing the whole day long. I really miss being able to do that sometimes. But, of course, certain lil' kiddies and obligations drag my but out of bed every day and of course, make everything worth while. ;)

I've been really jittery lately and I think it might have something to do with all the aspartame I've been ingesting lately, due to my diet. Aspartame always gives me a headache, and since I've been using it for sweetener in my tea and in other various items, I've had some pretty violent headaches, which make me have to take tylenol, which make me jittery already. Heh, so anyways, I think I'll be cutting some of that out, and moving to my regular one tsp of refined sugar a day. Hey, what is 15 Calories anyways right?

So what else is new ... I am planning to drop by my friend Tina's work sometime this week and surprise her. We haven't spoken in a few years now, because we basically drifted apart each within our own lives. I miss her a lot, as we grew up together right from when we were a year old. She used to live across the street from me. We had some good times .. yup ;)

I guess I should get back to work now .. I really slacked off last week in school and now I have to make up for it all. I know, I know .. bad me .. Don't worry .. I'll catch up!

-Misty

 
 


 
  2001.02.19  00.07
More Griping about Shawn - and some good stuff .. and some bad stuff ...

Wow what a week it's been. Apparently some people are getting a little concerned because I haven't really been writing in my journal, so, HERE I AM. Writing in my journal.

It's always interesting to see Shawn's reaction when I see other people, like he expects me just to sit here and be some sort of untouched useless bump on a log for the rest of our miserable existence living together. Not that I enjoy seeing the man in pain, but it always brings about some sort of glimmer of the man whom I originally fell for within him. Of course, I can only be fooled once, and I will not fall for it again. These are the pleas of a man who is desperate to hold onto the only thing in his life that was once fully controlled by him. He sees himself losing his grip on me every day and it kind of scares him back to his senses. All of a sudden, gone is the apathetic, cold and calloused Shawn, and here comes Mr. Caring himself, who will do anything for the 'love of his life'. It's all bullshit folks, because as soon as the 'threat' is gone, he's back to his old self again, and he places me like a trophy on his shelf, only to become dusty and tarnished once again. He told me the other day flat out, that he only likes people to come around who are not a 'threat'. God forbid someone likes me, that might just boost my self esteem .. boost it enough to get the Hell out of here and learn how to live like a proper human being again.

Anyways. Enough griping.

Now I am going to talk about some good stuff, which, as some of you may know, I have been seeing someone in the last few weeks. I must say that it has been really nice. I'd almost forgotten what it was like to feel ... -what was the word he used?- Treasured. Actually, I've never felt treasured or anything remotely like that before in my life. Needless to say I am ecstatic about the whole situation and I'm hoping that things will continue to grow from this point.

Shawn's funny about it all .. he's all .. 'he's too young for you' and stuff like that. Then today he springs the idea of 'Hey - let's try and work on our relationship, because all of a friggin sudden I really miss it!' - lol .. whatever .. just slightly a little too late for that one. I'm still waiting for you to go see that therapist you'd promised to see last July.

Hmm. I don't want to talk about the bad stuff.

Oh. More good news. Thanks to Christine, who spent the day with me making this great dress for me. I love it, it's awesome, and I can't wait to wear it ;)
I'm gonna take it and do a big photo shoot with it ..LOL .. Thank you SOOOO much. You are great ;)

Well that is about it people, I think I am going to head off to bed.

- Misty

 
 


 
  2001.02.18  23.08


How could I have been so friggin stupid?

 
 


 
  2001.02.18  21.12


Shawn just called me an idiot magnet.

Says a lot for him, eh?



Music: Deep Blue Something - Breakfast At Tiffanys (- BFWG Radio - All Request - EFNet #BFWG - JOIN IT)
 
 


 
  2001.02.18  08.45
Shadowman

Why did you delete your entries?

Is everything okay?
Give me a call .. I've been wanting to get together with you lately anyways. Gotta talk to you about moving into your apt. building again.

Hope all is well. *Hugs to my oldest friend in the world of 20 years* Take care ...

 
 


 
  2001.02.16  00.30


1. Name: June
2. BirthDay: June 11
3. Where From: Newfoundland
4. School: C.D.I.
5. Got a bf/gf: ?
6. You Love them: N/A
7. Do they love you:N/A
8. Whens there b-day: N/A
9. Have you ever smoke: smokeD? yes, quit 4 years ago
10.Did you ever drink: At one point
11.Have you had sex: Yes
12.Have you had it in the last 4 months: No
13.Plan on having it soon: Not until I'm married
14.Do you like sex: Yes
15.Why: It feels good/ultimate show of affection
16.What is your week spot: Passion .. complete and utter abandon of control
17.Where do you see yourself in 10 years: Living, working hard, playing young
18.Do you think this will happen: Yes
19.Whos your bestfriend: Minnie
20.Is she anything like you: She is so much more
21.Would you do anything for her? Yes
22.What kind of music do you like: Too many to list
23.Can you dance: No
24.Have you been to a prom: NO :( :( :(
25.How was it: N/A
26.How old was the oldest guy you've dated: At what age?
----16-22 (Phil)
----17-23 (Bobby)
----18-19 (Trevor)
----19 to 25 - 21 to 27 (Shawn)
27.What color eyes do you have: Green
28.What color hair: Crap
29.How tall are you: 5'5
30. How tall is your b/f: N/A

*~What comes to mind when you read this....*~

31. Water: nourish
32. Snow: freezing
33. Fuck: Hate
34. Damn: Ouch
35. Sex: Not yet
35. Balloons: Kids

~*Names*~

35. Jenn: School
36. Katy: Chunk
37. Angel: Daughter
38. Mike: Brother
39. James: :P~
40. Tom: Cat
41. Aaron: Ass
42. Sarah: Precious ;)
43. Jillian: Red hair
44. Josh: Funny
45. Brandon: Lee

~*Have you ever been to*~

46.New Jersey: no
47.New York: no
48.Florida: no
49.North Carolina: no
50.Texas: no
51.Canada: Yes
52.Seattle: no

53.Whats your fav band: Type O negative
54. Rock Band: ?
56. Britney or Christina: Who?
57. Corn or Peas: Peas
58. Short or Long hair: long .. on guys too :P~~~~~O
59. Fav celeb: Kate Moss

 
 


 
  2001.02.15  17.14


Balancing Man

I met a balancing men
Walking his tightrope
With a net of sinking sand, and he said
"I'm gonna make it across, and if I don't
well then it's nobody's loss but my own."

I said "Hey, balancing man.
I'd like to help you get across there if I can."
And he said, "I can't take nothing from you.
I hardly even know you
and I'm not gonna pull you down too."

"But if you're feeling lucky
Won't you stay and watch the act
Everyone I've ever loved
Already turned their back
I'm so alone."

I watched that balancing man
How could I help it?
With the way he stepped so grand
When he was three stories over my head
Grinning like a Cheshire Cat
Already risen up from the dead
Nine times

And I was feeling lucky
So I stayed an watched the act
Everyone I came with had already started back
I was alone
So alone

I take my fair share of risks
I'm no stranger to challenge
Life's in the balance

Stay up there balancing man
The view's much better of the mountains you've got planned
And there's no dreamers here on the ground
Just no-risk, would be, hanger's on
Who long ago came tumbling down
All the way down

And if you're feeling lucky
Won't you come and catch the act
Struggling like Atlas
With the world on his back
But not alone
Not alone

I take my fair share of risks
I'm no stranger to challenge
Life's in the balance
Life's in the balance



Music: 03 - Ivory Tower
 
 


 
  2001.02.14  14.05


Untitled
By Silverchair

I'm just another body down
Internal bleeding round and round
And all I can of are ways to die alone
And all I can of are ways to die alone
A portrait of my skeletal gain
Left selfish and hungry so feed me the pain
Escape reality with new pain
Then let the cycle start again
And all I can of are ways to die alone
And all I can of are ways to die alone
A dream of content a pain filtered farm
All I can say is
Dreams are bad when all they do is leave the truth behind
Dreams are bad when negativity's the state of mind



Music: Unknown Artist - silverchair - Untitled
 
 


 
  2001.02.14  10.00
My thoughts for Valentine's Day.

February 14, 1993

I am lying in a cold, attic in a rooming house, on a stained mattress, with dirty sheets and one thin blanket. I share the one pillow on the bed with the 22-year-old man beside me, who is sleeping. The bed is narrow and smaller than the average twin sized mattress, it may have even belonged on a cot at one point, but for now it was on the musty smelling carpeted floor. I shiver slightly, because there is a draft coming through the wood panelling on the walls. I turn over as slowly as possible, to not disturb the man who has begun to snore. I pause to stare at his face, a somewhat twisted smile formed on his bloated face. He was sleeping off a drunk, and I could smell the alcohol seeping through the pores on his body as he sweat. I marvelled at how he could be sweating so profusely on a frigid day such as this, as I delicately attempted to burrow into the blanket a little more. I just settle down and thankfully I begin to drift off to sleep again when I feel him begin to move. My heart starts to thud in my chest and my eyes dart open, but I cannot move. I am scared stiff.

My back buckles outwards and I am bent in a way that should not be possible. I start to scream but I clamp my hands over my mouth. I lie in agony, and my feet and head feel as if they are about to touch behind my back. He removes his knee from my spine and pushes me over. ‘Don’t hog the blankets!’ he shouts, still half asleep. I manage to move myself further across the bed, and only keep the blanket on half of me, pushing the rest towards him. He grunts and starts to snore again.

I lay there in that bed for about an hour, trying to decide whether or not I can even move. I slowly roll up, heart leaping from my chest every time the mattress creaked under my weight. I manage to get to the end of the bed and attempt to stand. It hurts immensely, and I have to grab the edge of the coffee table, which is about two feet away from the end of the mattress. As I straighten myself out, tears fill my eyes, not only from the pain, but also from the fact that he had struck me again. I lifted my hand to my split lip in remembrance of the night before. I silently cried as I made my way to the chair and sat down, staring at the mess ... at the plastic bottles of piss that I was expected to empty today, because he was too lazy to go to the washroom.

As if on automatic pilot, I stand in spite of the pain, and take one long look around the room. I put on my jacket and shoes, and walk down the stairs towards the door. Once outside, I run. And I never once look back. A few minutes late I am knocking on his door. It’s around noon, and he only lives a few blocks away. He answers and I fall into his arms, shaking like mad from the cold and the pain and sobbing.

‘I’ve done it Jay, I left Phil.’. He looks at me with shock all over his face, and somewhat looking a little proud.

‘Well it’s about time, why did it take you almost an entire year to leave after all that he as done to you?’ I don’t need to answer as he guides my little 16-year-old body to a chair and looks at me affectionately. ‘You’ve come a long way girl. I’m so proud of you. I hope you never have to deal with someone like him again.’ I look at him with tears in my eyes. He is my mentor, my spirit, and my friend. Thank you Jay, for saving me on Valentine’s Day eight years ago. For showing me that all men don’t hate ... For helping me to find a place to stay, to become independent. You have always stuck by me.

 
 


 
  2001.02.13  20.17


Down to the Earth I fell
With dripping wings
Heavy things won't fly
And the sky might catch on fire
and burn the axis of the world
That's why I prefer a sunless sky
To the glittering and stinging in my eyes

I feel so light
this is all I want to feel tonight
I feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life

Gleaming on the dark sea
I'm as light as air
Floating there breathlessly
When the dream dissolves
I open up my eyes
I realize that
Everything is a shoreless sea
A weightlessness is passing over me
Everything is waves and stars
The universe is resting in my arms.



Music: Silverchair - Ana´s Song(Acoustic)(Remix)
 
 


 
  2001.02.12  23.46


The cat's name is Nephertiti.

Thanks to all that tried to help me come up with a name for my new kitty.

 
 


 
  2001.02.11  13.50
If I were a super hero ....

I would look like this:


www.heromachine.com

 
 


 
  2001.02.11  13.13


I'm:

85% pure



How others compare:
0% (same as you)
4% (more pure than you)
96% (less pure than you)



Music: Justin Caine Burnett - Council of mages
 
 


 
  2001.02.11  12.53


Hello, I'm:



24% slutty
which is actually less than the average, 46%.


Based on the 2,574,826 test takers so far:
you're sluttier than 15% of the world.
you're cleaner than 85% of the world.

FACT
629 women agreed with you, and chose "Peter Steele" as the best sex option of all time.

yay me :(



Music: Perfect Circle - Orestes
 
 


 
  2001.02.11  09.50
Eating Disorder test done by me here

Feeding the Body, Feeding the Soul



In our society, eating is much more than a means to nourish and energize our minds and bodies. Although eating is a basic necessity, it has come to represent so much more in a society of abundance. Eating is a source of pleasure. Connoisseurs visit renowned bistros and "ooh" and "ahhh" as they savor warm duck salad, braised endive, and other delicacies. Eating is also a social activity. We go to restaurants and cafes not to meet our daily nutritional requirements, but to enjoy the company of friends, family and lovers, to be entertained, to be seen in hip eateries, and to delight in a sensory experience.


Food is also a means by which we define ourselves culturally and as individuals. Different cultures have cultivated their own method of preparing, arranging, spicing, and eating food. Most families have recipes that have been passed down for generations that reflect their cultural and familial identity. And most people have favorite dishes.


Eating can also have political and economic significance. Vegetarians may have very strong feelings about not eating meat. Other people might resist supporting certain food industries, or food producing countries.


Food is also used by many people as preventative medicine. Scientists make claims about the cancer fighting properties of carrots, oat bran, or leafy greens, and many people adjust their diets in the quest for longer lives and better health. Diet is also entwined in attaining physical fitness or society's version of the perfect body. And for many, eating is a means of satisfying insatiable emotional appetites. There is so much more significance to putting food in one's stomach then there is to, say, putting gas in your car.


Food consumption is not simply about physical sustenance and nourishment, but is an inseparable part of society and self-perception. And this is how the phenomenon of disordered eating has crept into our daily lives. Eating is no longer a simple activity born of necessity, but has become a complex foray into the psychological worlds of control, desire, discipline, and satisfaction.



Body Mass Index



Your BMI =




21





 
Ruler

Your score


A Body Mass Index value of equal to or greater than 30 is considered obese


A Body Mass Index value of between 25 and 29.99 is considered overweight


A Body Mass Index value of between 19 and 25 is considered healthy


A Body Mass Index value of between 16-19 is considered underweight


A Body Mass Index value of below16 is considered severely under nourished


These cut off points can be inaccurate for certain body types. The BMI is based on very limited information and does not take into account muscular individuals whose weight may be considered high for their height.


Note:
According to the Federal Obesity Clinical Guidelines, your BMI value puts you in the healthy category -- congratulations!


Anorexia Nervosa Index



Severity of Anorexia Symptoms


Your score =




76





 
Mild Moderate Severe
Ruler

Your score


Your score indicates that you fulfill some of the DSM diagnostic criteria for Anorexia Nervosa.


According to this test, your condition is severe and you exhibit many of the additional signs and symptoms of Anorexia Nervosa.


This score is reason for concern since this test suggests that your eating attitudes and/or habits are extremely unhealthy. You are clearly at serious risk for developing a more severe eating disorder such as Anorexia Nervosa. You need to see a physician and/or therapist immediately regarding your disordered eating patterns.


  • A refusal or reluctance to maintain body weight at or above the minimal normal weight for your age and height.
  • An intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat.
  • Feelings about body weight or shape that do not correspond to actual body weight or shape.
  • Abstinence from eating food, even though you make it for other people to eat.
  • A tendency to check your weight frequently.
  • An acute awareness of calorie intake.
  • Feelings of guilt, anger, or self-loathing following a meal.
  • A tendency to ignore the sensation of hunger.
  • A "high" feeling following a period of starvation.
  • A tendency to cover and/or disguise weight loss.
  • A preoccupation with getting thinner.
  • A tendency to follow eating rituals.
  • An over-reaction to insignificant weight gain.
  • A low body temperature.
  • The belief that life would be better if you lost weight.
  • The belief that people would like you better if you lost weight.
  • Fatigue.
  • Unhealthy feelings about food.
  • A lifestyle that is driven by weight.
  • Rapid decrease in body weight.
  • Excessive concern with your body weight and/or shape.
  • More than 5 headaches per month.
  • Spells of dizziness, faintness, or lightheadedness.
  • Brittle hair.
  • Depression.
  • A tendency to lie about your weight.




Coping Strategies for Anorexia Nervosa



Disordered eating is a psychological problem. It is a condition that individuals can rarely beat on their own without the help of medical and psychological professionals. Don't cause yourself additional pain by attempting to heal yourself, but seek help from professionals and from people that are close to you. Allow yourself to be guided through the healing process.


Anorexia Nervosa is an illness that attacks your ability to cope. It weakens precious self-esteem and provides a negative means for controlling internal and external circumstances that otherwise create chaos in your environment. In order to fortify your self-esteem and to end the chaos that you seek to avoid, you must lean new coping strategies. Some coping strategies that may be effective are:


Self-affirmation - Everyday, speak to yourself out loud and within your head. Say, "I will learn better ways to cope - I can recover". The more you repeat it, the more you will begin to believe it!


Writing - Keep a journal, write down all of your thoughts and feelings. By writing them down you are beginning to accept them as your own. Once you accept your feelings and emotions, you can then move toward finding new ways in which to cope with them.



Trust Someone - Find someone you can trust and lean on him or her when you are having difficulties. This person can be a friend and family member, a therapist, etc. Trust may not come easily at first but it is a necessary step in learning to communicate in a healthy fashion.


Find an activity you enjoy - When you feel the pressures of life creeping up on you, quell the urge to impose order through food by throwing yourself wholeheartedly into an activity you enjoy. This might mean any number of things; taking long leisurely walks, painting, or talking on the phone to friends, etc.



Bulimia Nervosa Index



Severity of Bulimia Symptoms


Your score =




52





 
Mild Moderate Severe
Ruler

Your score


According to this test, the severity of your condition is moderate and your score indicates that you exhibit some of the additional signs and symptoms of Bulimia Nervosa.


Your eating attitudes and behaviors are seriously problematic and you are clearly at risk for developing a more severe eating disorder such as Bulimia Nervosa.


  • A tendency to eat, in a discrete period of time, an amount of food that is significantly larger than what most people would eat during a similar period of time and under similar circumstances.
  • A sense that you lose control of yourself when eating during binges.
  • Swollen glands.
  • Sore throat.
  • Tooth decay.
  • Dry skin.
  • Self-evaluation unduly influenced by body shape and weight. (Ex: The belief that life would be better if you lost weight.)
  • Your mother was obese.
  • Low body temperature.
  • The belief that people would like you better if you lost weight.
  • Fatigue.
  • Unhealthy feelings about food.
  • A lifestyle that is driven by weight.
  • Major fluctuations or rapid increase of body weight.
  • Excessive concern with your body weight and/or shape.
  • More than 5 headaches per month.
  • Spells of dizziness, faintness, or lightheadedness.
  • Brittle hair.
  • Depression.
  • A feeling of embarrassment by quantity of food capable of ingesting.
  • A tendency to lie about your weight.




Coping Strategies for Bulimia Nervosa



To gain control over emerging Bulimia is to gain control in your life. Binging and purging are two negative coping mechanisms that can be modified. Remember that change takes time and you may find it difficult to control your eating behaviors at first. But with perseverance and support, it can be done!


Take some time to look at your behaviors. Analyze past binge-purge episodes, noting when they happened, what mood triggered them, what was eaten, and any anything else that might be useful.


Next, begin your healing journey by avoiding any kind of restrictive or regimented diets that can lead to severe hunger pangs. Instead, try eating regular meals with low-calorie snacks in between. Finally, keep the foods that are usually eaten during a binge episode out of the house. This will help you overcome urges to binge.


Here is a strategy that may help you control your need to binge:



  • Delay eating for 10 minutes.
  • Distract yourself from the craving.
  • Distance yourself (physically) from the food item and/or the trigger.
  • Determine how important it is for you to eat this item.
  • Decide what is a reasonable amount to consume.



General Eating Attitudes



Your score =




50





 
Healthy Unhealthy Very
Unhealthy
Ruler

Your score


You're eating attitudes and habits are moderately unhealthy. Somewhere along the line your body image has gone awry. Unfortunately, the ever-present media does not reflect reality in its depiction of the perfect body. It is of utmost importance to recognize this disparity and to learn to be critical of the images thrown at us by the media. The perfect body is a healthy body. Your perspective seems to have been affected by society's unfair messages that food is bad, eating is evil, and calories are the work of the devil. Take time to re-evaluate these internalizations and begin the essential journey to acceptance of your body as it is. Eat well, exercise, and stay healthy!



</center>



Music: 10 - Atreju Meets Falkor

 
 


 
  2001.02.09  22.23


What a bittersweet evening. Going to the SCA meeting was great. Feeling ill was not. Roi/James noticed my teeth. Shawn called he group a bunch of losers when I got home and tried to put everything about it down. :(

oh well.

OH!
There is someone there who is going to help me make a dress! That I am happy about ...

 
 


 
  2001.02.09  12.25



What colour are my eyes?
The colour of them is not enhanced here .. I can't decide if they are grey, blue or green.



Music: Tea Party, The - In This Time
 
 


 
  2001.02.08  14.42
Anyone Wanna help me name my new kitty?



It's a girl and she is REALLY playful .. She's all white with no other markings. Her eyes are grey/green, and I bought her in the middle of a blizzard. How original of a name can we come up with??? :)



Music: 04 - Don't Cry (Original)
 
 


 
  2001.02.08  10.24


Erg .. gotta find a way to come up with grocery money now :/
I hate when I have to do that .. having to depend on Shawn for money and now he's not going to have it .. still gotta come up with rent for march .. He's been paying for everything the past few months .. good thing I barely eat .. but the kiddies need something sooo .. AHHH!
I'll have to ask my mom for help I guess.

 
 


 
  2001.02.08  07.40
Yikes.

While I was at the library today, I went to go and get a library card. (I hadn't had one in a very long time) I had to pay a late charge of $7 and I was a little surprised about it, so I asked from how long ago it was. They said from 1992. I was 16 in 1992. I asked them what books they were and guess what they were?? ANOREXIA BOOKS!!

I was just like .. WHAAAAA??? Then I remembered I would often go to the library and pick up books on anorexia and use them for tips. 16 years old! I wasn't even fat then! I was like .. soooo slim because I'd never had babies. I also find it kind of ... strange .. to know that I have been dealing with anorexic issues for NINE years now.

Anyways, I picked up A great book called "Patterns of fashion: The cut and construction of clothes for men and women C1560-1620, The Clan of the Cave Bear (one of my favorite books) and a young adult book called 'I was a 15-year-old Blimp', which was, THE book that started the whole thing with me on Anorexia. I hadn't even heard of it before picking up that book. I remember reading it at the age of 14 and trying all of the thing in the book to lose weight. I wanted to pick it up, as an adult, and perhaps find out why it had been so triggering.

 
 


 
  2001.02.07  10.18
Erg

I feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo gross. For the last two days now, all of a sudden Shawn has discovered that he has a sex drive again. He's been asking me for it and ..ugh.. doing those awful things to me that I hate. Grab grope and/or pinch on a whim. He doesn't see 'any damned reason' why I shouldn't like that and every time when I diplay my disgust and abhoration towards that sort of behavior, he gets angry. Like I should be thankful he treats me like some sort of $2 whore. What kind of woman gets turned on by having her breast tweaked (hard) as you are nonchalantly walking past a guy? Definitely not me. Not one bit at ALL...

 
 


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